It’s Strange Hearing Someone Call Me by My Name

Dear Pen Pal,

I’m sitting to write to you at the end of a seemingly good day. I almost skipped writing this letter because I thought I didn’t feel like it. But really, writing is how I process the things I don’t let myself think about during the business of life.

Sometimes I feel like I let that shiz build up until I can’t take it anymore and I just freak out… not like Brittney shaving her head.. But like the anxiety buzzing through my body and needing to go into my room or take a shower and just cry it out.

Well, that went deep really fast. We’re only in the first 2 paragraphs and I’m already admitting to you that I hold my feelings in until I can’t take it anymore and go cry by myself. But.. I do feel a little lighter, so we’ll just leave that here, I guess. Promise you won’t judge me?

Also don’t judge me.. But I have a witchy haunted house lofi music going on the TV as I write this letter to you and I’m dreaming of fall already. I already have a sample of one of the fall fragrances for The Exhale Co, and when I tell you it smells like all your gingerbread and icing memories and fantasies… I’m not lying. More on that another time. <3

For now, I wanted to write to you about the things that have been making me feel like ME over the past week. Now to frame this, I tend to be a type A, driven, single minded focused kind of gal. Which honestly, serves me well with some things… and really kicks me in the booty on other things. One of which, is prioritizing things that I don’t feel like are getting me anywhere. Like selfcare. I don’t get immediate or calculatable benefits from it and therefore I tend to just skim right over it…

Butttt… I’ve been trying to do a better job and making sure I feel good about myself and take care of myself like I would expect my friend (you) to. Sitting here, writing this letter to you is one of those things that has made me feel more like me and is giving me the opportunity to do something just for me.

I mean, I’m not sure if you’ll ever read this letter, but I do know that sitting here and writing it is doing something really great for my brain and my sense of peace. I can feel my shoulders relaxing and my jaw loosening (hello, TMJ) withe very admission - even if it’s making me feel a tad vulnerable. I feel like with my job as CMO (cheif marketing officer) I’m so used to writing in a way that story arcs, or converts and I don’t give myself much of the freedom to just write and let my thoughts flow and wander like they typically do in my brain (it’s a bit of a tangly wire mess up in here).

I stopped writing when I closed down my copywriting/coaching business a few years ago and went full time as a CMO. Life got really busy and I just let it go.. Something had to give, and so writing gave.

But I will say that coming back to writing has been surprisingly therapeutic. I guess I really shouldn’t be surprised since that is a recommended form of processing emotions… So anyways… writing this letter to you, even if you’ll never see it, is helping me and so I’m really glad you’re here if you’re reading this.

Writing represents something special to me. I’m not the most well spoken person. I tend to trip over words or try to self edit myself so that I don’t bore the person I’m talking to. And I’ve been told I speak slow and monotone. So writing feels like a safe place for me to be able to communicate without feeling that pressure to say things correctly. It represents a kind of freedom and creativity that I don’t really find anywhere else.

See above photo of Goose not 10 minutes ago trying to get in the way of my freedom and creativity… BE GONE little kitty. Hahaha I can’t really complain, I love the kitty snugs.

The Parts of Me I Thought Were Gone

Honestly, over the last few years, it had been feeling like I had stepped away from myself. How do I explain this… ah! I remembering telling my husband that It’s weird to here someone call me by my real name. I told him “it’s like my name doesn’t resonate with me anymore. It’s like I don’t feel like I’m her… or I’m me anymore. I feel like I should just be Mama or not be called a name.”

(^2016 Hanah)

It was this really weird, and truly uncomfortable realization. I really did feel like my name wasn’t a part of me anymore. Which I know names are literally only some letters put together given to us… but to me it felt like something bigger. It felt like I had taken such a big step backwards, out of my life that I no longer could see the things that made me me. And unfortunately, this really wasn’t that long ago.

I realized as I was trying to figure out what the heck was going on that I had stopped letting myself have fun. For example… I woke up and immediately starting working my full time job. I’d then spend the majority of the day bouncing back and forth between working, momming, and managing the house. I wouldn’t slow down until it was time to crash in bed. (there’s that intense focus thing coming back to bite me in the booty again)



I had literally organized my life to suck the fun out of everything… the whole reason for living, right? YOLO or something like that.

Deep down, I knew I had changed as a person over the last few years… especially after becoming a mom and even more so after finding out that the baby I was carrying probably wouldn’t survive no matter how hard we tried (we tried everything) and then after she died… heartbreak and dissociation.

I think… I’m realizing this as a write this letter to you… that I didn’t know how to sit comfortably with the person that I had become without having to face some really hard truths. And so like any good millennial, I totally avoided it.. And avoided myself. Does that even make sense?

Maybe I really didn’t lose myself… maybe things just shifted and reorganized. Some things had to move to make room for others.

What if I’m expecting to find the old version of myself? Maybe she isn’t coming back. Maybe she isn’t supposed to. Why am I grieving a version of myself that no longer fits the life I’ve lived?

The current version of myself that I’ve been sitting with has been kind of fun. I’ve been seeing pieces of myself that I haven’t seen for a while. I’ve been able to enjoy more lighthearted teasing and fun with my husband.. Sometimes it feels like we’re falling in love with each other over again.. Or falling in love with this version of each other.

(^2013 ish)

This version of Hanah is much better at explaining herself. She’s able to express the sensitivity to sounds, crowds, and overwhelming environments and feels safe to make her needs known.

She loves witchy vibes and isn’t afraid she’ll go to hell for it. She’s able to take feedback and criticism, process it rationally and move forward. She’s a better communicator and has wayyy less “disagreements” with her husband. She’s that happiest she’s ever been…. sometimes.

I don’t want to dive too deep into it today, but grief has changed me the most. I don’t think we were built to be able to handle losing our children... And yet it happens and we have to figure out how to move forward. I’ve heard someone say that grief is like a stone. You’ll carry it with you no matter where you go and it feels heavy at first. But as time goes on, you’ll get used to its weight. It’s not that it hurts any less or that the stone got lighter… you’ve just gotten used to having to carry it with you. At this moment… my arms feel empty and my pockets feel full of stones.

I think I’ve become stronger in my willingness to sit and explore and have fun where I’m at. As an achiever, I can tend to just want to push for the next thing, but I’ve gotten much better about being happy, and dare I say excited about where I am. I’m so much better and getting my work done, closing the laptop and plugging into my life. Just today, I got my work list done, and realized there was enough time to close things down and spend an hour or two outside with my daughter. Before, I’d have just moved on to my tomorrow’s to-dos and decided to work ahead.. But instead, I was able to shut things down and go and just BE.

I don’t think the goal is becoming “old Hanah.”

I think it’s meeting the woman who’s left after all of it.

I’ve spent so much time trying to become a better employee.

A better mom.

A better wife.

A better business owner.

I forgot to ask what made me feel most like Hanah.

Maybe that’s why The Exhale Co. has started meaning something different to me. I thought I was building candles. But maybe I’m building reminders. Reminders that we don’t stop existing just because life asks more of us.

This week I wrote.

> I read and listened to books that had a good plot and weren’t about personal development..

> I watered my garden and let my daughter eat the first cucumber (talk about selfless sacrifice)

> I poured candles and only cursed the printer 27 times (fine.. 47.. But who’s counting?!)(Remember, you promised you wouldn’t judge me)

one of those things changed my life in the blink of an eye… But together they reminded me that I’m still here and still worth the effort.

A Small Reminder for you...
Maybe you aren’t becoming someone new.
Maybe you’re just making room for yourself again.