Life Lately
I gotta tell ya… Taking my kiddo to the library was harder than I expected it to be this week. Not because she didn’t behave - she did great. She played with the kids her age and was kind and even attentive to the younger kids…
And that was the problem.
I’m sitting there, watching Hayzel play with a little girl who is probably 1.5 years old. She’s doing so good. Being patient, being gentle and the mom comes over to me and tells me how sweet Hayzel is and then asks me the dreaded question…
”She’s so good with little kids, does she have any younger siblings”
To make things worse, she wasn’t the only one.
We spent most of the day at the library and so this happened TWO MORE TIMES.
”She is so sweet and kind. Does she a brother or sister?”
”She’s so good with littles, You have two kiddos, right?”
The second someone asks that question my heart breaks a little bit. I’m in the operating room having the urgent CSection because my second’s heart rate dropped and then I’m leaving her behind at the funeral home to be cremated. It makes me feel angry, powerless, and vulnerable all at the same time. I know it’s a super innocent and super common question, but
they have no idea of the heartache that it causes. I mean, I used to ask people questions like that all the time.
The first two times I answered honestly:
”Well, she should have a younger sister about the age of your kiddo but she passed away”
and then
”Yes and no, her little sister died… I guess it wasn’t meant to be”
And then comes the blank stare, the horror, and my thoughts start racing. I bet they’re thinking:
> Why isn’t this person crying telling me about their child dying?
> I wonder if it was SIDS.
> Was it her fault? Is she a bad mom?
> Was it gestational diabetes (someone actually asked me that like being chunky automatically meant that I had it and put my baby at risk)
> I wish she would tell me all the details but I probably shouldn’t ask.
And on that train of that goes as I tried to keep myself from over sharing and spilling my guts to a stranger at the library while I can tell that there are a few other people eavesdropping.
And so then I waited… and I got the response I normally get.
> God is good, it’ll happen.
> Everything happens for a reason
> How did you survive that?
And I shrugged it off, closed down my emotions and tried to exit the conversations as fast as possible.
There’s NO reason why my child had to be born with the conditions she had and NO reason she had to die in my arms after we tried everything to save her.
*Pauses to catch breath and try to keep the anger, heartbreak, and emotions behind the wall I’ve carefully constructed to protect myself from all the pain*
The third time I was asked… I just said “Nope”
I couldn’t handle it. I couldn’t say one more time in the space of a 4 hour period that my daughter passed away… that I should be able to say MY DAUGHTERS whenever I talk about my children…. That I should have another child here with me, filling my empty arms. The arms that have felt SO empty for the last 1.5 years.
That my oldest would have and did make the best big sister for the 7 days that she got to be one. That I feel absolutely terrible that I couldn’t give her the playmate and little sister she was wanting so badly… or that I did give it to her and cruel death took her away from us.
In the moment I felt relieved to be able to not relive that conversation again… Literally dodging a bullet.
but later when I got home I felt SO guilty about the fact that I pretended she didn’t exist. That I was so willing to hide her so I wouldn’t have to have an uncomfortable conversation. It made me feel like I was ashamed of her, but really, I just didn’t want to go through it again.
I just…
I don’t know what to say from here.
I honestly just want to have my baby back in my arms and be healthy enough to survive and even thrive. There’s nothing I wouldn’t have done to save her.
And so when we got home, I headed out to the backyard.
What’s blooming in the garden?
One of the things I’ve started doing to help focus my mind away from the hurt is getting back into my garden. When I was pregnant, I was really sick and got stuck in a wheelchair and ended up not having a garden that year and then last year, I just couldn’t manage it.
This year, it’s been a really great outlet for me to be able to get outside and create memories with my oldest.
What’s blooming this week, you ask? Oh, thanks for asking, get ready to get your ear talked off…
There is one, just one purple bell pepper that is slowly coming to save. I think it’s weird that it turned purple before it is actually ripe and ready to eat since yellow, red, and orange peppers all start out as green… but I’m not a botanist.. so whatever. I like the purple vibes better anyways.
The sugar daddy snap peas are hurting a bit in the extreme heat this week. Someone needs to call Mother Nature and tell her that Mr Heat Mizer is overdoing it here in Indy. 95 degrees with extreme humidity is a bit much. I’ve been doing some deep watering in the morning to try and help everyone through this heat wave… and getting eaten alive by mosquitos. I just don’t want to smell like bug spray before I’ve finished drinking my morning coffee, ya know? We’re still eating them off the trellis and Hayzel is loving it.
The tomatoes have shot up! We’ve already got a ton of green cherries on and I can’t wait for them to ripen up. I planted a ton of cherry tomatoes just to keep up with Hayzel’s snacking tendencies. In Hindsight though, I always forget that in zone 5 we don’t really get tomatoes and the larger fruits until mid July to August. And this year might be even longer because we had some really cold nights.. Even after the last frost date.
And I don’t know what it is… but the pumpkins and zucchini have yet to produce a female flower! Of all the things I was worried about when getting these little plant babies in the ground and growing was whether or not I opened an all boys pumpkin patch (or all boys no pumpkins to be found patch). I feel like we need to get a fruit on the vine so we can have at least one for Halloween… but my control freak tendency and demands don’t seem to be working… *squints and tries to summon a female flower… and bees to pollinate that flower* does NOT want to become the pollinator… just weird.
Another thing I’ve been letting myself do this week is read.
I haven’t picked up my kindle in MONTHS and I finally have been doing it! I’m reading the Grey Ridge Series by Rebecca Barden and I’m honestly loving it.
I tend to like more Layla Nash or Suzanne Wright style books, but one thing I love is a good shifter romance that has many books in the series. Why? Oh because I only have to choose the first book and the next 10-12 are simply the next in line. No more choosing. No more having to make a decision.. just read the next one!
Did I seriously just say “let myself”? Yup. Sure did and I’m not going to edit it out because it is totally the truth. If you read my Wednesday letter, you’ll know that I’ve bee working on giving myself permission to do something just for me before I’ve finished all the things on the to do list… and actually to try and change my perspective to not needing to EARN it. Just doing it because I get to. Because I’m worthy and all that jazz.
So… You’ll find me with my nose in my kindle in my spare moments because now that I’ve started the series and reading again… I’m addicted! (in a totally non harmless way… unlike my addiction to chocolate which we aren’t going to talk about right now)
This week, I’m most nervous and hopeful about the same thing.
I've been working to get The Exhale Co. up and going and I keep running into walls. I was so excited to get my first shipment in - I got the jars, lids, wax, oils, and wicks in all at the same time (talk about blow to the bank account). I dig in and get everything out and I’m testing the lids with the jars so I can see how it will all look and….
The small jars I bought don’t go with the lids. And I don’t mean aesthetically. I mean it’s SO hard to get the lid on and even harder to get it to come off! I have a little budding carpel tunnel in my hands and it hurt them to get the lids off… even leaving an indent in my finger tips from the wood. Not cool. and so I had to return them.. Which was a process in and of itself. Had to send them a video (screenshots above) of me trying to do the lids. Enough proof to issue a refund? Nope. Had to try all the lids with all the jars… and only found 2 pairings that actually worked… and then that still wasn’t enough proof. Had to fill a jar with water to see if the air in the jar was causing a more intense vacuum seal. Talk about yikes and frustrating.. But they finally made it right by refunding me and not requiring me to send anything back. Which is cool… but now what do I do with them? Sell them without the lids? Sell them as an exclusive thing and make them unique? I guess we’ll wait and see. But I’m officially only going to move forward with the 2 sizes and have my
Unfortunately, then the wicks aren’t burning well and things are tunneling. As in, the flame is just melting a quarter sized section around the wick. So I’m switching to wooden wicks (which I’ve used before) and trying to find ones large enough for the larger width of the gorgeous candle jars I’ve purchased (they’re 4 inches wide!)
It’s frustrating because I didn’t experience these issues when I had my first candle business a few years back and I feel like I should already have this stuff figured out. Like of all the things to hold me back… it shouldn’t be a freaking WICK! I should have just gone with my gut in the beginning and done the wooden wicks.. But the cost is so different I guess I just wanted to try the cotton wicks.
I wanted to be launched and able to take orders by now, but I keep running into roadblocks. Fingers crossed everything I need will be here by Sunday and I can officially get the wicks figured out and then get the labels and product photos going.
Cause if there’s one thing I’m not willing to do… it’s selling crappy candles. I want my The Exhale Co. to make women feel special.. And tunneling and difficulties lids aren’t going to work.
What’s that Bluey quote “Obstacles aren’t blocking the path. They are the path.”
So, I guess I’ll have to choose to flip the script and turn the nervous energy into hopeful energy and keep moving forward. I know if I keep taking the steps, I’ll get to where I want to be.
Want to know something about me that I try not to let anyone see?
Listen.. I want to be your aesthetic BFF, but let me tell you about my totally unaesthetic nightstand.
First, it’s a DIY nightstand my husband made to fit exactly next to the bed in our 3rd home (we moved every year or so because we were testing different condos, apartments, houses to see what felt most like home) because the room was so small. We’ve kept them nearly 8 years later because… we’ll I’m a sentimental gal who likes to keep the things her husband makes for her… bite me haha.
I’ve got all the “these are my things don’t touch them” stuffed under the top shelf. My coloring books, special markers that make me feel way fancier and more like an artist than I’ll ever be, my kindle, some books, and tissues with my “little laptop” leaning against it.
And on the top? Oh that would be some special stickers from my kiddo, a flower pot that is doubling as a remote/headphone/little stuff I don’t know where to otherwise put holder, and a puggly charging station for my watch and phone… and probably last nights drink… bite me.. Again hahaha.
I feel like I’ve talked your ear off long enough...
or should I say written your eyeballs off…
Ehhh… nope, doesn’t have the same effect.
Before I Go...
This week:
🌿 I’m reading… Shifters of Grey Ridge by Rebecca Barden (on book 4, The Chase)
☕ I’m drinking… Hot Coffee, Iced Coffe, hot coffee that has gone cold so I turn into iced coffee.
🎵 I’m listening to… Dead Dance by Lady Gaga on repeat (literally the only thing I’ve listened to)
🕯️ I’m lighting… The Exhale Co.’s Homebody Mid Candle. It’s a cashmere vanilla vibe with some amber for more depth and coziness. I crafted it to go along with my body wash and it is The. Best. Thing. Ever.
🌱 I’m growing… not any pumpkin or zucchini… that’s for sure. So far the only thing we can harvest and eat is the sugar daddy snap peas.
🤍 I’m reminding myself… to take a friggin’ chill pill. I could say that more eloquently but oh well.
A Small Reminder...
You don’t have to earn the things that remind you you’re alive.
Until next Wednesday,
Hanah